My girlfriends turned out in full force after my last post on being called a FATSO in China. I swear, just about everyone emailed me, assuring me that I am not hugely ugly. It’s hard to stay hurt or harbor anger when you’re laughing…as Mitali Perkins made me giggle when she told me that “in some villages in India, being fat is a compliment.”

Or Janet Wong who emailed: “I’ve got to believe that you heard the tones wrong, and instead, they were beckoning you to…fight death…or buy a shed…See peng zi and pang at


However, I’ve determined that I need a few quick comebacks in Mandarin. Look, I know when people are making fun of me or deriding me. Yes, yes, in most cases, walking away is the best strategy. That IS what we teach our kids. HOWEVER, we all know that there are certain times when just the RIGHT COMEBACK QUIP does wonders for your own soul–never mind putting the insulter in his / her place.

So. With my 75 Mandarin words I have mastered, I now give you Justina’s Top 4 Insta-insults in Cave Man Chinese:

  1. Ni erzi de wugui! (You son of a turtle!)
  2. Ni shi tongxue de ben! (You are a student of stupid.)
  3. Ni he huantuan yiyang! (You are the same as a wonton.)
  4. Duibuqi. Qing wen. Ni de mingzi shi bu shi “wo shi men”? (Excuse me. May I ask you a question. Is your name “I am Slow”?)

Do you think the mean people in China will quake in their shoes?


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